My 30th Year Series #1: Thirty Things I Know Now, That I Didn’t At Twenty
A new monthly newsletter following my journey out of my twenties and into the first year of my thirties.
Welcome to my shiny brand-new Substack series about turning 30!
Every month, I’ll be dropping an essay on my journey out of my twenties and into my thirties, looking at beauty pressures, whether I will actually feel more confident (like everyone says) and generally leaning into nostalgia. I don’t want to be hackneyed about turning 30, but whether we like it or not, it is a landmark (especially for women). I hope through this series that I will learn to enjoy this seminal year, to confront the ugly parts of my internalised misogyny that scream ‘It’s ALL over now. You’re a rotting sack of flesh, left on a shelf, with no life prospects left!’.
This will be a free newsletter, each month, but any support is greatly appreciated - as it helps me do this (gestures to the Substack universe).
First up, a sort of rite of passage for every literary woman, a list of advice! 30 pieces! Last year, I wrote a ‘29 Things I Have Not Learnt About Life at 29’, turning the format on its head. But this year, since you’re only 30 once, I’m going down the well-trodden route. Hey, if it’s ain’t broke…
Thirty Things I Know Now, That I Didn’t At Twenty
You are still loveable even when tending to your own needs. You are still loveable even when you have needs, and express them to others. Everyone has needs. Yes, even you.
Actual love, sustainable and brilliant love, is calm and comfortable. And it’s the opposite of boring. You will learn that the hard way, and then in the best way.
Therapy is a wonderful addition to your life, and a privilege. But it is not a ‘fix’ and you cannot win it.
That dream job isn’t a dream job. You will eventually realise that you don’t aspire to climb a totem pole built on foundations you dislike. Instead, you’ll find a better path. Work can still be your main focus, but not at the cost of your health.
Calorie counting fucking olive oil is a sure path to misery.
Your politics should always expand, and grow. But keep the core of what you’ve always felt close.
Those who sneer at your hobbies/femininity/sincerity are projecting. It’s their insecurity, not yours. Ignore it.
Wounds you thought were permanent, aren’t.
Community is everything. Find many.
You cannot pull someone out of addiction alone, they must be reaching out for you with one arm, and pulling themselves out with the other.
People pleasing is not a kindness, it is a rot. But, luckily, people pleasing is not the same as kindness and empathy. You also have buckets of both. Hold them carefully, like a tiny frog in wet palms, trying to jump free, as you work to let go of people-pleasing.
Stop buying cheap, plastic shoes. They might be vegan but they are also shit, and you will have to buy a new pair every two months.
A proportion of people in any room will dislike you, for no reason at all. There will be the same number of people you dislike, for no reason at all.
Exercise can be something other than punishment. It can be fun and have nothing to do with weight-loss.
Grief does not leave — the older you get, the more it multiplies and becomes a tangled, messy thing. It’s okay, it’s part of life and part of loving.
Always having everything figured out, organised and wrapped in a nice little bow is exhausting. Try to find contentment, try to be present, let yourself be messy and silly.
Someone’s perception of you truly has nothing to do with you, especially if their perception is entirely cultivated via your social media output. You have no control over it, so acceptance is the only route forward.
You still love all the same things you loved when you were young: writing, cooking, animals, mud, dress up, looking after people, books, lord of the rings, painting. Go back to them.
You will survive assault. You will learn to look that word in the eye.
It is easy to confuse boundaries with selfishness. Despite what the girls on TikTok say, it’s actually not okay to be selfish.
In order for your writing to be widely read, you actually need to share it. Sorry. So, get sharing with friends, family, agents, random people you meet, other writers, social media.
Romantic relationships should not be an act of self-flagellation. Dating someone you know is terrible, simply because they reflect the negative thoughts you have about yourself, will unsurprisingly lead nowhere good
Not all conflict is negative, much of it is necessary. Stop running from it every time.
You do not need to pay thousands on ‘wellness’. Wellness will not come from the latest LED face-mask or supplement. They are only fun, privileged additions. It will not come from consumerism and capitalism. It will come from living in a society that is liveable. We do not have that, currently. So, do not berate yourself for not feeling ‘well’. Do not bankrupt yourself on bandaids.
Shame and guilt are two very separate emotions. Leave shame at the door. Look into your guilt, interrogate it.
Most of what you thought you wanted in life, you will have by twenty-five, and then you will realise how shortsighted you were. Life does not end in your early twenties, like you always, secretly, suspected. Actually, it only really starts to begin. Your priorities will shift, you will unpick new wants and desires that you have judged others for prioritising. You will swallow that pride, because some things are more important.
‘30 under 30’ lists are mostly full of people paying to be on them. Not being in one doesn’t mean anything, and it’s industry navel-gazing at its finest. Spoiler alert: you don’t get put on one.
Floss every day. Get a water flosser, too.
Embarrassment is a state of mind, 90% of the time.
It’s okay to admit when you don’t know the answer, actually it’s often the smart thing to do. There is no way you can know everything, you have only just started life.
21 didn’t need to be quite so loud you know…