29 Things I Have Not Learnt About Life at 29

In this life, I will never know all-that-much. Let's celebrate that.

Before I entered my twenties, I thought I had everything figured out. I was an extroverted, headstrong child cosplaying adulthood with the confidence of being told I was ‘wise’ and ‘mature’ for my years. My plan for life was intricate and detailed.

It took me until my mid-twenties to accept and fully understand that I do not know very much at all. That most of the things I thought I knew were not fallible. On the eve of my twenty-ninth year, I thought I’d reflect on this and take stock of everything I have left to learn. Twenty-nine things by no means scratch the surface of what I don’t know, but it’s a start. I love a ‘30 Things I Know at 30’ list as much as the next millennial woman - Dolly Alderton’s is etched into my mind and my good friend Ali Pantony wrote a brilliant one earlier this year about turning 31 - I wanted to subvert this format a little.

With a year left until I enter a new decade, I’m sure the next 365 days will teach me a lot - but I am not expecting to suddenly arrive at 30 as a person with their edges smoothed out. I expect I will still be silly, make mistakes and fuck up on an almost-daily basis. As a recovering perfectionist and control-seeker, that’s quite a big admission for me. I hope I never stop not knowing things, I hope I never stop changing as a person, and I hope I continue to make fashion plunders and friendship faux pas. In my twenty-nine years, there is so much I have not learnt about life. There are many things I will simply never know - because of my stubbornness and limitations, because of time and capacity. Such, is life.

Between the ages of 16 and 29

29 Things I Have Not Learnt About Life at 29

1. I Have Not Learnt…how to accept I will never know much. We only get a small amount of time on this planet. It will never be enough to do everything I want, to study everything that interests me, to travel everywhere. Accepting this and focusing on what can be done- the smaller bits of life that teach the most- is not something I have mastered. Maybe it’s an impossibility.

2. I Have Not Learnt…how to not feel anxious before getting on a train or plane.

3. I Have Not Learnt…to accept that some people won’t like me: at twenty-nine I am still a people pleaser. This is not a good thing, not only for myself but for others around me. It’s a WIP. Therapy is helping.

4. I Have Not Learnt…that two coffees a day is my sweet spot. One does nothing, three makes me shit myself. I seem to forget this daily.

5. I Have Not Learnt…mastering a work/life balance: Creativity and capitalism often make a sad cocktail of stress and burnout. Each year I untangle this mess more and more.

6. I Have Not Learnt…the endings to a lot of TV shows: Game of Thrones, Lost, Top Boy, Breaking Bad, and The White Lotus season one. I will likely never finish these shows, despite watching all but the final episodes. Maybe it’s a fear of goodbyes or unsatisfying endings.

   

   My twin sister and I as children

7. I Have Not Learnt…the meaning of life, and whether there is one.

8. I Have Not Learnt…how to drive: I’ve never had a driving lesson, and at this point, I think that’s very chic!

9. I Have Not Learnt…how to say no to a party. I live in a constant state of limbo, pushing and pulling between wanting to be a wholesome person who stays in all the time: writing, reading, making extravagant meals. I am this person a lot of the time. But, more of the time, I am someone who loves a party. I must be the last one at an afters, I always suggest extending the night, I cannot stand to be at home if my friends are at the pub. I have not mastered balance, but that’s very much okay- because I don’t think our twenties are about balance. They are about imbalance.

10. I Have Not Learnt…how to be okay with rejection. It hurts! It happens! It is what it is! I don’t have to like it!

11. I Have Not Learnt…to love my body in the way it deserves.

12. I Have Not Learnt…how they get music on vinyl records. Please don’t explain it to me!!!

13. I Have Not Learnt…how to hold boundaries. Out of everything on this list, this is the thing I would like to learn by thirty. I have learnt what boundaries I need, and I have managed to put them in place on an individual basis. However, I have not learnt how to stick with them when they are pushed against. Again, therapy is helping.

14. I Have Not Learnt…the art of being mysterious. My friend sent me a Tweet recently that read ‘I wanna be mysterious but I never stfu’ and simply put ‘you’. It’s true. I am not very good at keeping my thoughts in my head, and if I think of something funny it feels like my tongue will fall off if I don’t get it out immediately. I am always oversharing in professional situations and have that very irritating habit of talking over people when I get excited.

15. I Have Not Learnt…to love ageing. I want to love ageing, to see it as a privilege. Some days I manage it, many days I do not. I have recently got my first wrinkle, which sits on one side of my forehead. I have made friends look at it, up close, and contort my face to show them how ‘bad’ it is. This wrinkle has made me look into Botox, and Google ‘how many wrinkles normal 28’.

16. I Have Not Learnt…to forgive myself when I make mistakes.

17. I Have Not Learnt…how to squash jealousy. I would not say I am a particularly jealous person, envy does not eat me up. But, I am human, and I feel it from time to time. Mostly when it comes to peers in my industry- people I’m friends-of-friends with, those in my sphere who I think are doing ‘better’ than me. I don’t like this feeling and I think it’s something women are taught- there’s a scarcity mentality with careers because we are constantly told that only a handful of us will make it. This is not true. There is enough room for everyone.

18. I Have Not Learnt…how to speak more than one language fluently.

19. I Have Not Learnt…to pack for trips well.

20. I Have Not Learnt…to have a healthy amount of screen time. Some weeks my total is three times the national average! When your job involves a lot of social media it is hard to have limits, but that’s also a handy excuse to not try. Before thirty, I would like to not mindlessly scroll on TikTok before I go to sleep each night.

21. I Have Not Learnt…who I want to be. One joy and heartbreak of life is constantly evolving and wanting different things, to be a different person. Sometimes I want to pack in my city life, and grow vegetables and paint by the sea. Other times, I wonder about living in New York and taking a big corporate job. In other lives, I would like to be a chef, an artist, a teacher, a therapist, a nurse, a diver, and a vet. Maybe some of them will happen in this one life that I have, maybe they won’t. At twenty-nine I am not sure who I want to be, at ninety-nine, if I get there, I presume I still won’t.

22. I Have Not Learnt…to let go of friendships that no longer serve me.

23. I Have Not Learnt…how to lose at board games gracefully. Or win at board games gracefully.

24. I Have Not Learnt…to be fully present. I read a tweet this week that said “Don’t borrow grief from the future” and it changed my life a little. I, like many of us, struggle with contentment; I borrow grief from the future, a lot. I dwell on the unknown and unchangeable. I have not stopped doing this yet, I hope I will soon.

25. I Have Not Learnt…how to make the perfect cacio e pepe.

26. I Have Not Learnt…that people can’t read my mind. Must. Stop. Expecting. Them. To.

27. I Have Not Learnt…how to get over my fear of embarrassment and shame. It stops me from doing things I enjoy (like doing yoga, because I’m not very good), it stops me from being honest about my feelings (for fear of rejection), and it stops me from living my life on my terms. Giving less of a shit is next on the agenda for me.

28. I Have Not Learnt…to bulk buy period products. I always run out. I always need more than I have. I always have to get my partner to sprint to the shop for me.

29. I Have Not Learnt…to put less pressure on birthdays and new decades. Ironic, given this list, I know.