It's Not That Bad #19: On Sitting With Your Sadness

Sometimes marching on isn’t the answer.

I didn’t want to write this. I wanted to write about Milf Manor, a dating show with a weird incest-ey twist (8 milfs and their 8 sons all go stay in a villa and date in front of each other). Or about why we all love Paul Mescal so much. I wanted to curse out the Tories for the myriad of awful shit they’ve done lately. 

But I can’t. Because my cat died. 

And joy got hoovered out of my life. 

It is grief, but not like I’ve known it. You grieve people. Places, even. Yourself before something bad happened and altered your brain chemistry. I feel the loss of grief, but none of the numbness. None of the stages or confusion. There’s nothing to resolve or dissect, no complicated feelings to process. Humans are messy and therefore, them dying is. Cats are straightforward and therefore, losing them is. All I’ve felt is sadness. All it is, is sad. 

There are no words of wisdom or silver linings. My cat, Gary, was special (I know all pet-owners think their pets are). And he got taken from me, very suddenly. I wrote an Instagram caption in the rawness of it all, last week, that describes him well. I can’t bring myself to write more just now. 

chloegracelaws

A post shared by Chloe Laws ✍️ (@chloegracelaws)

People don’t want to read essays about my cat Gary. I know that’s not interesting to more than a handful of people. But my brain is counting orange cats, circling round and round. It’s a jukebox of meows and nicknames. I’ve cried so much my eyes are puffy like an iguana’s. 

So - I’m letting it out. For the sake of letting it out.

This isn’t a profound newsletter. I can’t give that right now. But I can give human: I’m sad. I am not a robot. And sometimes marching on isn’t the answer. Sometimes we need to sit in it. 

I hope that if you allow yourself to sit in your sad, when you need. I’m writing this as a note to self: you don’t have to snap back.

You don’t need to perform happiness.

Thank you for any kindness you’ve sent my way.

My ‘normal’ newsletter is coming Wednesday 1st of Feb, and it’s poetry themed.